Top Ten Failed Top Ten Lists

This is obvious, but there's a huge gap between being simply funny and being a comedian. People, including myself, have funny ideas all the time. But a comedian can seamlessly link one funny idea to the next, making continuous stream of funny, not "Oh, and speaking of bisexual dwarf midgets, how does an Arkansas man tell if his wife is on her period?" For the rest of us who don't have this cohesive ability, there are top ten lists. Aside from David Letterman, top ten lists existed on the internet long before the blog explosion. One of my favorites, about 8 years ago there was a website called Heckler's Online which posted reader submissions to a weekly sponsored topic, like "Top ten things Monica Lewinsky is sick of hearing" and "Top then things found in David Koresh's Bathroom" (remember, this was a decade ago, and they were tasteless)

Every now and then I have a few funny answers, but I never make it to 10 so I never write them down. On my way to work the other day, I was thinking about "Top 10 Cross-Promotional Failures" and I got pay-as-you-go surgery, Valentine's Day Vasectomies, and all-you-can-eat abortions (ok admittedly that last one I made up but I think it's hilarious) but that's a few shy of 10. Anyway there's a reason why I'm thinking about this. My buddy, who's pretty overall brilliant when he's not sticking his dick in toaster ovens sent me this email, and I've been allowed to reproduce it verbatim here.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You'll appreciate this. I had to give a presentation yesterday and
afterwards I realized that in a lot of ways giving a presentation is
like having sex.

1. You spend a lot of time preparing, you sweat a lot while it's
   happening, and you let out a big sigh when it's done.
2. It's good to butter up the crowd with a few jokes.
3. Talking too much and too fast is disaster.
4. If it's really flashy and pretty then there's probably not a lot
   of substance.
5. Eye contact is good but it can be distracting.
6. I've been accused of using my hands too much, and I've been
   accused of not using my hands enough.
7. The more times you do the same one, the less you care about it.
8. It's always better in large groups.
9. It's always better when there's a free lunch involved.
10. The worst part is the questions afterward.

And there's one way that it isn't like sex at all:

1. I always think I'm doing a really short presentation but it turns
   out I go for twice as long as I was supposed to.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now before you think wow, this guy is brilliant, here's another comment he made to me, on the same day:
him: here's a tip:

5:34 PM

me: uh oh

tips from you are like the farmer's almanac of sex advice

him: don't tell a girl that she got you all into middle eastern girls when she is, in fact, pakistani

apparently there's a difference

That's more along the lines of penis in toasters.