Dicks and iPods

I've got a buddy who, in the interest of my sick amusement, makes terrible judgment calls. I can only assume it is intentional, given that were he to apply the same unsound judgment across the board then he would have doubtlessly killed himself long ago, probably by using the hair dryer while still in the shower. Although I try think of him as the modern embodiment of a comedy of errors, the predictability and gravity of his gaffes tend to lose their humor value after a while, and you begin to feel like someone who's laughing at an athlete fall in the Special Olympics. What really saves him from pity though is his A+ boyscout "glass is half full" attitude toward it all. I guess in his position, it's either that or just giving up on life and choosing a different occupation, like growing mold.

During the implosion of one of his relationships, I sent him an email asking him how it was going, living with an ex-girlfriend he absolutely hated. His response was, "Oh pretty good, I try to stay away from her but you know how it is, sometimes it's just so tempting to stick your penis in the toaster, even if you get burned." We've since integrated that little gem into our vernacular, but it never really occurred to me until recently how absolutely horrible of an analogy that is. Neither I, nor any male I know, has ever expressed the remotest of interests in sticking one's penis in a toaster. I mean really, it takes most of us to our early teens to figure out how to stick our penis in our hands, much less a mechanized contraption that exists for 3 minutes in the morning while you're waiting for your Eggo waffles. Of course I'm sure many members of the ILC (International Lesbionic Conspiracy) wouldn't mind setting a few wieners to a few shades past "Dark", but they're just angry.

Hmm. Actually, that's an improvement.

Anyway the whole reason I thought of this is as I was folding my freshly cleaned laundry, I realized I'd left something in a pocket of a pair of pants, and out came my iPod. Jury's still out on whether it will work again, but I began to think of all the obvious terrible combinations: Jews and Palestinians, mayonnaise and fries, black jellybeans with anything, George Bush and pretzels, to name a few. Surely a little $300 toy with a relatively gigantic tumbler full of hot water and dirty underwear has to be on that list. But, as my buddy and I both independently prove, these things tend to happen anyway. Probably be best if I sold the toaster.