Dicks and iPods

I've got a buddy who, in the interest of my sick amusement, makes terrible judgment calls. I can only assume it is intentional, given that were he to apply the same unsound judgment across the board then he would have doubtlessly killed himself long ago, probably by using the hair dryer while still in the shower. Although I try think of him as the modern embodiment of a comedy of errors, the predictability and gravity of his gaffes tend to lose their humor value after a while, and you begin to feel like someone who's laughing at an athlete fall in the Special Olympics. What really saves him from pity though is his A+ boyscout "glass is half full" attitude toward it all. I guess in his position, it's either that or just giving up on life and choosing a different occupation, like growing mold.

During the implosion of one of his relationships, I sent him an email asking him how it was going, living with an ex-girlfriend he absolutely hated. His response was, "Oh pretty good, I try to stay away from her but you know how it is, sometimes it's just so tempting to stick your penis in the toaster, even if you get burned." We've since integrated that little gem into our vernacular, but it never really occurred to me until recently how absolutely horrible of an analogy that is. Neither I, nor any male I know, has ever expressed the remotest of interests in sticking one's penis in a toaster. I mean really, it takes most of us to our early teens to figure out how to stick our penis in our hands, much less a mechanized contraption that exists for 3 minutes in the morning while you're waiting for your Eggo waffles. Of course I'm sure many members of the ILC (International Lesbionic Conspiracy) wouldn't mind setting a few wieners to a few shades past "Dark", but they're just angry.

Hmm. Actually, that's an improvement.

Anyway the whole reason I thought of this is as I was folding my freshly cleaned laundry, I realized I'd left something in a pocket of a pair of pants, and out came my iPod. Jury's still out on whether it will work again, but I began to think of all the obvious terrible combinations: Jews and Palestinians, mayonnaise and fries, black jellybeans with anything, George Bush and pretzels, to name a few. Surely a little $300 toy with a relatively gigantic tumbler full of hot water and dirty underwear has to be on that list. But, as my buddy and I both independently prove, these things tend to happen anyway. Probably be best if I sold the toaster.

Top Ten Failed Top Ten Lists

This is obvious, but there's a huge gap between being simply funny and being a comedian. People, including myself, have funny ideas all the time. But a comedian can seamlessly link one funny idea to the next, making continuous stream of funny, not "Oh, and speaking of bisexual dwarf midgets, how does an Arkansas man tell if his wife is on her period?" For the rest of us who don't have this cohesive ability, there are top ten lists. Aside from David Letterman, top ten lists existed on the internet long before the blog explosion. One of my favorites, about 8 years ago there was a website called Heckler's Online which posted reader submissions to a weekly sponsored topic, like "Top ten things Monica Lewinsky is sick of hearing" and "Top then things found in David Koresh's Bathroom" (remember, this was a decade ago, and they were tasteless)

Every now and then I have a few funny answers, but I never make it to 10 so I never write them down. On my way to work the other day, I was thinking about "Top 10 Cross-Promotional Failures" and I got pay-as-you-go surgery, Valentine's Day Vasectomies, and all-you-can-eat abortions (ok admittedly that last one I made up but I think it's hilarious) but that's a few shy of 10. Anyway there's a reason why I'm thinking about this. My buddy, who's pretty overall brilliant when he's not sticking his dick in toaster ovens sent me this email, and I've been allowed to reproduce it verbatim here.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You'll appreciate this. I had to give a presentation yesterday and
afterwards I realized that in a lot of ways giving a presentation is
like having sex.

1. You spend a lot of time preparing, you sweat a lot while it's
   happening, and you let out a big sigh when it's done.
2. It's good to butter up the crowd with a few jokes.
3. Talking too much and too fast is disaster.
4. If it's really flashy and pretty then there's probably not a lot
   of substance.
5. Eye contact is good but it can be distracting.
6. I've been accused of using my hands too much, and I've been
   accused of not using my hands enough.
7. The more times you do the same one, the less you care about it.
8. It's always better in large groups.
9. It's always better when there's a free lunch involved.
10. The worst part is the questions afterward.

And there's one way that it isn't like sex at all:

1. I always think I'm doing a really short presentation but it turns
   out I go for twice as long as I was supposed to.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now before you think wow, this guy is brilliant, here's another comment he made to me, on the same day:
him: here's a tip:

5:34 PM

me: uh oh

tips from you are like the farmer's almanac of sex advice

him: don't tell a girl that she got you all into middle eastern girls when she is, in fact, pakistani

apparently there's a difference

That's more along the lines of penis in toasters.

Don't Ask Me Questions

I get up this morning, and after buying my usual supplements of penis pills and donkey pornography, mortgage my non-existent house, pour some money into pump-and-dump stocks, I come across this email sitting in my inbox:

-------- Messaggio Originale --------
Oggetto: I am dumb and I need your help
Data: Thu, 8 Mar 2007 21:05:26 -0500

I'm not so smart and something's giving me some trouble.

I'm trying to have my discrete-time control system tune itself automatically so that it matches some sort of desired step response. The tuned value is sort of like the control cost in an optimal LQR controller. One value for the SISO case. I numerically evaluate the frequency response of the controller for some value of the cost, then I multiply it by the DFT of a step (actually a long-period square wave since it's a discrete-time system). I compare the resulting inverse DFT to the step response I want. I tune the cost by minimizing the squared error between the predicted step response and my desired step response. Great, it works. Only for my controller it is actually more useful to tune the response to a zero reference and a nonzero initial condition.

My question is, how can I use my computed frequency response to predict the settling response? Am I doing this all the wrong way?
-------------------------------------

It's too early for me to think, so I send him some stupid response:

-------- Messaggio Originale --------
Oggetto: Re: I am dumb and I need your help
Data: Fri, 9 Mar 2007 07:38:51 +0100

I'll answer this when I get to work, but first off, no one who sends an email titled "I'm dumb and I need help" includes the acronyms LQR, SISO, DFT, blah.

When I read the title, I was SURE you were emailing me from the ibook of a girl in whose apartment you found yourself and after doing her while she was sleeping you needed to extricate yourself so you did the only thing you knew how, which was email me. So sure. Know that I really don't mind your weird segues into just asking whats really on your mind, I just sometimes wish you had the guts to get it out.
-------------------------------------

Then an hour later I realize what he really meant when he emailed me, so I write him again.

-------- Messaggio Originale --------
Oggetto: Re: I am dumb and I need your help
Data: Fri, 09 Mar 2007 02:53:38 -0500

Hey,
Sorry I didn't figure out what you meant earlier, I had just gotten up and I was sleepy. Here's what I think you should do. First, find a bowl of warm water and a wash cloth. I figure you're in your own apartment (otherwise how did you get like this?) so it should be easy. Ok, now start massaging the warm water around your neck, and whatever else is exposed. The trick here is to relax the muscles so that you don't damage anything. Now we're going to do it in two steps, the first step is the chin and the second is the back of the head.

Tuck your chin in to your neck, like you're trying to be a turtle. Now exhale deeply and pull. The warm water should alleviate some of the stubble burn, but you might feel it tomorrow. Now that this part is done, most people (well, whoever else gets themselves in this situation anyway) think it's all over and jerk back, but the back of the head can still do a lot of damage. Inhale, (I bet that part sucks, but at least now your mouth is free) then exhale again deeply (more warm water if you want) and do one final pull, pushing with your hands against the backs of your legs if you need to.

There, now your head should be out of your ass. I'm just amazed you could compose an email in that position!